Searching For The Way To Connect

Searching

9/25/11
Part 3 in the series of posts
on connecting with your family.

There is something to be said for families living near each other and having the options and opportunity to share everyday experiences as they choose. However, for many this is not the case, and sadly we are among them. So the next best thing is being able to share the everyday experiences with each other through some kind of effective and frequent communication. We are fortunate to have electronics now.


When our son was serving his mission in Brazil in 1995 we had to rely on snail mail exclusively. Some of the places he served waited until a cardboard box was full before they even took the mail to the next town to send out. Communication was very spotty and difficult. The first year he was there his Christmas box mailed in early October did not arrive until just a week or so before his birthday at the end of March.

Now missionaries can e-mail home once a week as they serve all over the world. The immediacy of that cannot be under emphasized. When your missionary is sick you can now begin to pray that same day. When our son was gone it might be two or three weeks past the illness before we even knew about it. So we are thrilled with the electronic ways to communicate with our family. We also probably have a heightened awareness of its importance because of our experiences.

So what type communication mediums work best and how can you keep the communication fresh with your family when you are separated? Whether it is different cities or states, different countries, different continents, it all presents barriers to the best case scenario of being nearby. I admit to being deathly afraid of that unintentional drifting that can happen without a concerted effort to prevent it. So I have tried lots of different things over the years.

This is what I have found...frequent communication is actually much easier than sporadic communication. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to write a letter to someone you are close to when you haven't done so in several months? The question is where do you start what do you leave out, etc. It is hard to share your lives in bits and pieces. Without the details it becomes like your annual Christmas letter~just barely glazing over the highlights.

It is hard to keep a closeness with highlights only. We don't just want to know what our family is doing...we want to know what they are thinking, experiencing and needing. We want to know about their ups and downs, their joy and sorrows, etc. We want to be a part of their lives not just know about them. I know I keep repeating how hard this is...because it is! We all have lots of demands on us and the days can easily just slip away into weeks without a minute to stop and make that communication happen. Add time zone differences into the mix and you really have to be on your toes! Two of our kids have lived out of the country more than once, Our daughter that was gone only once was gone for 3 years. You have to figure out what works best for you to stay close.



We have done the snail mail thing...only mildly effective although packages are always nice! And the sight of actual handwriting is always neat. It is a treat to get something besides junk mail too.

We tried Skype so we could see each other and talk on the phone/computer. That is free but was only mildly successful. When the cameras are working, internationally it is wonderful...the next best thing to being there. It was very spotty with Italy. We have done it a few times with Chris and Missy and the kids too in Utah but not when they were in China.


We got reduced phone rates for Italy which makes calling there very inexpensive, but we didn't know about that for Scotland and China. We also got a special package for US long distance calls on our land line and cells. That is great..unlimited calling for a certain amount which I don't remember. That has helped a great deal.

The problem with calling is the time difference for Italy and knowing when is a good time for our Utah kids with all their activities, etc. It is hit and miss at best sometimes. I had been leaving messages for Laura and Robert for a year before I realized they didn't have message service on their phones even though a message prompt always came on! That's Italy for ya! None of us are good at returning calls when messages are left on our land lines except Missy (what would we do without our Missy?)

We do e-mail sometimes but that hasn't been the best either. It is best for newsy type stuff in someways or when you want to connect one on one. And I do love that it is current. We also tried the round robin e-mail thing where you would add your bit and send it on. Mildly successful for a time. The problem with stuff like this is everyone has to have to same level of commitment to it for it to work and with young families it is unrealistic and pressure they didn't need.

We tried a Family Blog when the Blogging thing was new. It was more like IMing but it was pretty fun while it lasted. It just let you connect for a minute or two every day or so. Nothing in depth but everyone could read everyone else's comments and that was fun. It was also when there were about five less kids than they have now. Now we like texting for the quick messages.

One of the best things so far has been the iPhone that Jen got for her birthday a few years back. Just about everyday we get new photos of the girls and their family things going on. This has helped us to feel so much better connected. Facebook has also been a way to keep in touch with Jen that has been pretty fun. Laura has started using it regularly just recently. I don't do Twitter but have dabbled in Google + just recently, mostly to keep up and know how to use it.. Social networking can be a great tool, it can also be a big waste of time. You have to use it wisely.

For me the very best way is blogging. I have been blogging almost daily since December 2007. I use the Blogger, Google's platform and find it very user-friendly.

I have created a blog on beginning a blog and other how-tos regarding this fine way to communicate and preserve histories as well. I will be happy to share it should you be interested. Just leave a comment and I'll get it to you. I have several niche blogs like this one about various topic that I write and one especially for and about our grandchildren.

It is a place where the cousin connection can take place. I am inviting the older kids to start sending me posts of fun things they are learning and doing. A couple of them already have blogs of their own. Pretty soon they will have a good thing going on their cousin connection blog and they won't even need me! Again, if you want any links to the blogs just let me know via commenting.

Blogging can not only keep your family and personal history going but it can also keep connectivity with your family. I am all for multitasking when possible. Blogging is clearly a winner for me!

Blogs=Super Glue That Works For Our Family!

This is pretty much the end of my postings about the living in our family on this blog. The remainder of my posts will focus more on doing family history and genealogy for our ancestors! But I just wanted you to know how important the living are to us as well!

The Stewardship of Connecting

This post is the 2nd in a series of posts on keeping families connected.

Families~there really is so much to say on this topic. One thing I have observed as I have talked to others regarding their families and family dynamics is that there are about as many different types of families as there are fingerprints. Everyone has a slightly different take on family, what it should be ideally and what it is in reality. As for our family, The Family~ A Proclamation To The World sums up our "ideal" precisely. This blog merely presents some things that have worked for us or that we set about trying to accomplish as a family. I would love to hear what you do.

As a casual observer, I think families in America have changed a lot over our short history. Now in my sixth decade, I have had the opportunity to hear about what life was like in the earlier part of the last century, first hand. One thing I have observed it how the place of children in the family has changed significantly. In those days, children were seen and not heard and now they take center stage in family life and everything seems to revolve around them. The pendulum has swung the full spectrum.

When Jim's grandparents were growing up in the old country all the talk was about finding a better life in America. WWI was brewing and Jim's Grandfather left Italy at 18 and headed to America alone.

Grandpa Andrew in his older years

He left knowing he might never see the rest of his family again, especially his parents. Yet he went with their blessings and love. (My heart aches for those parents and I am inspired by their selfless sacrifice for the good of their son.) As it turned out several brothers and cousins also made the journey to America at various times, but his one sister and parents never did.


Jim's Great, Great Aunt Angelina, that we knew and loved, came to America because she was the one twin that drew the longest straw when their older sister needed a helper to tend her baby on the crossing. That baby was Jim's grandmother. Angelina left her parents and twin and other siblings at 10 years old, became Angie, and never returned to the old country to live again.


My Father 's Dad died when Dad was 10 years old. His mother had to leave the area to get an education, to pay her way as a widow with two children. She took my aunt, who was six with her and left my Dad behind to finish his schooling. My Dad lived with their neighbors for 6 years.

My Mother's Mom died when Mom was 5 years old and the nine children were separated and shipped from pillar to post among relatives rarely seeing each other until they were grown.

Fast forward to our day...

As I would cradle my little ones in my arms, knowing they were the most precious things in the world to us, I wondered how the generations before had done it? I have often wondered if they were just conditioned through their hardships to accept what was, or did they suffer like I knew I would have if our kids had been separated from each other or us? I often think they must have been so much stronger than me emotionally to handle all they were given. People that I did ask about this who lived through it, didn't seem to think their life was that hard or unusual? So my very unscientific conclusion is that the community and the way of life we aspire to and have, is highly influenced on an individual basis, by our specific circumstances.

A case in point is our church community which sends our sons and, in some cases daughters, out on a mission to serve the Lord if they want to go, at age 19 for the boys and 21 for the girls. During that time, all expenses are paid by the missionaries themselves or their family, we do not see them, we write a letter once a week, and we talk to them on the phone only 2 times per year; Mother's Day and Christmas. These rules are designed so that they can fully concentrate on their service to the Lord.


As a people we accept this, we want this and although it is hard to be apart we realize the numerous blessing received by the missionary and the family and the people they learn to love and serve during the two years they are gone. That makes it well worth the sacrifice. It makes the adjustment to the empty nest easier because we hope for it and plan for it and prepare ourselves emotionally and spiritually for it. Generally speaking, we are prepared in a 'different way' than the rest of the world when children leave home for school, military or marriage, especially when great distances are involved. Even so, it is not easy.

Often when I would long to see our children while they served their missions, I would be reminded of the early members of the church and the tremendous sacrifices they made when their length of service was unspecified, their destinations unknown, and many hardships suffered both at home and away for them, were guaranteed to be a part of the experience. When I think of them I would not want to exchange any part of my life's problems with any of theirs. I am in awe of them and the lives they endured. How did they deal with the separation from their loved ones? What sustained them, and our ancestors, and millions of others during those lonely gut wrenching times? I like to ponder these things when I feel sorry for myself.

What I know for sure is that family is important; very important to us and to God's plan of happiness for us all. The love that we have for our spouses, children, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents is vital to our happiness, health and well-being. Not everything is ever going to be perfect because people are not perfect, but in the best of all worlds I want the best possible scenario where our family is concerned.

I try to save my best for them. Not just my china, but the best of all I have to give. You have heard the old adage that charity begins at home. I believe that. I don't treat perfect strangers better than I treat my own family. The family is the place where we have to learn the pure love of Christ and practice it. To me that is the very first step in staying connected. You have to want it, you have to work at it and you have to keep trying all the time. Nothing happens without work, sacrifice, and above all~desire. Love, civility, forgiveness, tolerance, service, tenacity and never giving up on anyone, all have their place at home.

As the senior generation I think you need to assume that it will be your major responsibility to stay connected. Youth looks forward. They are supposed to do that, it's part of the plan. Of course they love us as their parents and their concerns for us run deep and are genuine. But they only glance over their shoulders on occasion and usually momentarily to see you. Their eyes are fixed on the future not the past. If you sit and wait for them to organize your communications, you may be waiting a very long time.

Do not let this hurt you deeply...think of your own parents. You loved them, you cared for them you tried to always be there for them but your focus was your own little family, your spouse, your children. That is the way it is and the way is is supposed to be. By the same token if you are the children of older parents, be considerate, they probably miss you very much. A little bit of their life still revolves around you! But again, to the senior generation, do your very best to keep the family connected.

If you do all you can and still do not succeed, then I still believe it is worth the effort and you will be a better person for having tried your best. Sometimes our hands are tied by the agency of others to choose their own actions, right or wrong. That is when the comfort of the Savior's love is all the more important. If we cannot be connected to them, we can always be connected to Him. And there is great comfort in knowing that he, our brother, knows the innermost desires of our hearts to have that family connection and if we could choose it, we would! He always chooses connection with us! Beautiful to know, isn't it?

Connectivity

One of the most important thing to me is keeping the connection with our family. When the kids were little and people would say..."Enjoy every minute, they grow up so fast." I was only half listening. I was enjoying most of the moments, but it just seemed like I could not visualize when they'd be gone.

Life after 50 was just not a part of my thinking in any real way. It seemed like life was just so packed with busyness that we neglected to spend enough time with our siblings and their families like would have been ideal. I regret this now as we missed a lot of important bonding time with our brothers, their wives and their kids because we did not proactively make it happen. And things happened in our adult lives that would have been easier with sibling support, but they largely went unnoticed because we had a hard time looking beyond the immediate needs of the day.

We did too much, we worked entirely too much, and the days turned into years and the habits were set in cement. It was not something that we all did intentionally, we have always been a loving family. We just didn't give it the priority it deserved in our busy lives. We spent holidays together and built some great traditions there but day to day we didn't do so well. I regret that I did not become the favorite aunt of any of my nieces or nephews. I have two brothers and that honor went to their mothers' sisters with whom they shared more experiences. I regret that our kids were not closer growing up.

The Really Big Five Ohh!

In 1997, all three of our kids got married within four months. Yup, it's true. What a whirlwind year. I also turned 50 and had a hysterectomy. Can you say....emotional roller coaster? Life as it had always seemed to be, was over! When your kids grow up and go off to college it is one thing but when they marry it is the biggest change of all. If things go well, they are NEVER coming back! The most important chapter of the most important things you will ever do in your life has come to an end.

A New Chapter

Three brand new grown up kids!

This can be beautiful and simultaneously brutal...be forewarned if you are not there yet. We have been so blessed with wonderful new children. In spite of that, you cannot help missing life as it was in the early years. Your nuclear family becomes a sunburst of new and exciting things but the old is hard to relinquish to the passage of time.

Part of that is due to regrets like I mentioned above about just not doing things exactly as you should or could have. You just didn't have the insight you needed at the time. Thank heavens there is progression and personal growth and new understandings as we grow and mature.

So I want to spare our children from some of those same regrets and by helping them all keep the connection with each other. We want to be part of "the glue" that keeps the family strong in that connection. I have spent a lot of time in the past 14 years pondering and praying about how we can accomplish this as parents and grandparents. I know it takes a lot of effort, it doesn't just happen as I had once assumed. I truly want this for them and find frustration in the distance between us all.

Cute Cuddly Cousins

I admit that sometimes I feel like I am failing in my attempts but I keep trying to find what works. I realize how much they all have on their plates and I want to somehow help. I am so grateful for the deep love between them. I know that part of what happens is that they are exactly where we were when we were raising them. So, so busy.

Don't get me wrong, the kids love each other and they do a lot together when they can. The cousins are better off than the past two generations for sure. I just want it to continue and keep getting better. If on my deathbed I have failed at this I will find it very devastating. I want them to be close and unified and there for each other all of their lives. A mother's work is never done...it just changes and evolves into something more important and challenging at each new stage of life.

Somehow I want them to take care of each other when we are gone. Maybe that is the deepest kind of parental love. It is the way our Father in Heaven loves us...always wanting us to care for each other.

In my next post I will share some of my ideas of how I try to do this and I would love to hear if this is as important to you as it is to me. How does your family do it? If you are a young mom, how do your parents help? If you are a grandparent how do you keep the connection with the population explosion that has become your new family?

The Family Today

Family Reunion 2011

22 Sep 2011

We know that the family is the basic social unit established by God to care for his children, in the best possible environment while here on earth. In his wisdom he knew exactly what each newborn baby needed to have the best possible chance of a happy, fulfilling life in mortality and beyond.

To me it then follows that our first priority is to our living family. I once asked the person I respect the most as a genealogist, how he balances his time and his response was, "I care for the living, before the dead. When my wife or family members need me I can drop my genealogy in a moment and come back to it later." What a brilliant and healthy perspective to live by!

In wisdom and faith he gets more done on family history than many people may accomplish in a combined effort, with their entire extended family contributing~now and then. By small and simple (sometimes difficult) things are great things brought to pass. Consistency and tenacity produce more than an occasional flash in the pan effort. A little today, a little tomorrow or the next day, that is how it is done. Never, never, never give up. You know this is true in everything you do attain~ no exceptions.

So the first step in becoming a family historian and genealogist is to recognize that your family is of utmost importance to you. You don't save the leftovers for them after you have spent your time and energy on things that matter less. Family is first, only after our allegiance to God.

The first and foremost person in your family is your spouse, and then your immediate family, children, parents, siblings and grandchildren. I think most people a have a sense for that, but sharpening our awareness of it never hurts. Our best efforts at home have a marvelous rippling effect in the concentric social circles around it. Those are the circles that make up a person's life and interactions with all others. No matter what position you hold in a family you will benefit greatly by participating in and enjoying the benefits of creating a wholesome, functional, healthy family.

I think when we have healthy feelings about our family and family life we will naturally want to know more about our ancestors and our posterity. If our family is corrupted at the core the likelihood of an interest in a bunch a deceased people that have gone before, is probably pretty minimal. If we don't keep in touch with our family, are harboring life-long grudges, are estranged from our spouse, children or grandchildren, we probably have a lot to fix before we can become intrigued by our family heritage or creating a legacy. There is a natural order of things and it is hard to put the cart before the horse in family history.

By concentrating on our family life we definitely contribute to the betterment of our society in a real way. In our home we often discuss the ills of these troubled times and invariably we come to the same conclusion. The heart of our existence is the family. Everything that happens at that level affects everything else. Until each family functions well, there will always be trouble in River City. And no public or private agency is going to come to our rescue. The work of fixing is at the grassroots level of each and every family. And the handbook is the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Our plans have to be specific regarding each phase of family life. If you are raising a young family great efforts need to go into teaching and training and building and creating traditions, etc. It is a busy time, but there is still time for family history.

Do you take lots of photos and maybe do baby books or scrapbooking or blogging to keep your history alive? Do you save the fun and important things your children draw, write or create and do you capture the things they do in some way? This will help them remember their early history. Many people now take digital photos of their work rather than store copious amounts of paper and memorabilia in boxes.

Do you make efforts for your children to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins? Do you hang pictures of your family up for your little ones to see when you live far away and they don't get a lot of contact? Toddlers can easily recognize the photos of their grandparents very early even though they may not get to see them often.

Do you establish rules in the family about kindness to siblings and showing love and support for one another? This is all family history work that you do in creating a good family history. While doing these things you are establishing love and high trust relationships within the walls of your own home, and a legacy that they will want to remember and cherish.

Once you become a parent of grown children you have to decide what your role will be in their lives and vice versa. We have established a little mission statement as a couple regarding this aspect of parenting that goes something like this.

"Our mission as parents of adult children is to love and support them in any way we possibly can. We embrace and love their spouses with all of our hearts. Our desire is to be the glue that keeps them connected to us and to each others' families as they concentrate primarily on their own little families.

We try to strengthen their commitment to our collective faith, by bearing our testimonies of it, and by being the best examples we can be in living a Christlike life of service and worship. We make every effort to support our children and reinforce their ways and family rules with their children. In other words, what kids do not get away with with Mom and Dad they do not get away with us. We also recognize we are not their parents and so do they. This allows for a very special bond with them as our grandchildren. When stewardships get confused, everyone suffers. Above all, we are never divisive, we are the adhesive!"

We dedicate time and money and a tremendous amount of energy to making sure our family stays strong. We try to have family reunions with no empty chairs, as often as we possibly can.

Since we have many miles between us, I spend a lot of time keeping the home fires burning from a distance, with finding creative ways to keep our connection strong. Their dad spends a tremendous amount of time helping with home repairs and remodeling, giving sage advice on the mechanics of keeping a home maintained properly and anything else they ask for help with. He also does a lot of the organizing and engages in fun outdoor recreational activities with them. He is the epitome of a worthy, loyal, humble priesthood holder and a wonderful husband, father and grandfather.

In my next post I will share some of the ways I have tried to keep the connectivity alive with the kids. Focusing first on the living; that is my priority while engaging in Family History work. We realize that we are still writing our family history and the best attempt to make it good and memorable only makes sense.

Love this beautiful family of mums!
All unique but rooted in the same pot.
All individuals with a common purpose.
All wonderful in the their own way.